Sunday, October 20, 2013

Week 15: Everything's Zen

This was a week of revelations.

I came back from vacation completely zen.  I felt ready to let the little things go; to celebrate life; to fully embody this calmer, more enlightened version of myself.

That lasted approximately three hours into my first day back to work.

The waves of frustration lapped at my ankles and the drops of anxiety rained down from above, building slowly at first then all at once I was enveloped by the negative.  I desperately clung to my zen--a buoy in open water--until I was finally forced to accept that it was lost to me, sinking deeper and deeper, as I struggled to keep afloat amidst the everyday, the mundane, the overwhelming.  My zen was drowned just hours into my everyday life.  It was all too much.

I began thinking that there had to be a better way to go about this...

I went to the library and picked up several books on meditation and stress-relief.  Perhaps not surprisingly, in looking for help I actually stumbled into a whole new set of problems.  One of said books contained a self-test concerning codependency on which yours truly answered nearly every question "yes".

The shore was quickly fading on the horizon.  I was not sure what to do with this "new" information.  I use quotation marks because I think I have long suspected that I am codependent.  I believe I even referred to it briefly in a previous blog entry.  But, it's a little more real when there is actual evidence to support my theory.

According to this book, it is not completely unheard of for someone with my background to develop some codependent tendencies.  I come from a family where alcoholism runs rampant, the effects of which are only amplified by divorce.  When your world is crashing down around you, it's not uncommon to seek control.

But, sometimes the person putting on the brave face is the one who is most broken underneath.  I have been the rock in my family since I was in grade school.  So I guess that explains why I constantly need to plan and obsess over tiny details regardless of whether I actually follow through with them or not.  I constantly strive for some semblance of normal while inwardly spiraling out of control.  The problem is that occasionally it all bubbles to the surface and I have trouble with tasks that other people find easy.  I over-think.  I over-complicate.  I isolate.

I have decided to stick with my original plan though.  At least for now...  This blog is already pushing me outside of my comfort zone and forcing me to be more honest with myself.  If I can incorporate more balance and zen into my everyday life from meditation and yoga and regular exercise, I will be that much closer to breaking free from my codependent tendencies.


Coming up... Week 16:  I am the Warrior... or will be...

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